Earlier this month, we interviewed Christine Farkas* about her experiences working with the Qi Creative team. With her consent, Christine had various pockets of wisdom to share:

All the techniques that we were taught for my child I use **even for myself**.

The more we talked, the more services we had, I thought woah—I probably could have had the same diagnosis if I were his age.

At Qi Creative, coaching has always been the way we do things, the way we relate and help foster change, and how we build potential in ourselves and those around us.

Coaching ourselves, however, is something we can all do, for a variety of different challenges and goals in our lives. Christine’s story struck us not only as a story of positive change for her child, but also a story of how the coaching for her child helped to foster change for herself and the family as a whole.

What is also important is not just watching someone undergo coaching, like your child or a friend, but to be an active participant in the process and the learning. How can we continue to reinforce and practice strategies on the off-days when coaches are not around?

What makes coaching different from observing, and how can we apply coaching to ourselves?

Setting a Just-Right Challenge

In our daily lives, we set goals for ourselves all the time, and sometimes, without thinking too much about it. These may include:

Holding as many grocery bags as we can, to reduce the number of trips back to the car
Putting sliced bread in the toaster for a planned meal
Taking the garbage out before the garbage truck arrives
Taking the steps instead of the elevator
Scheduling time to call a friend
Preparing a cup of coffee at home

In the same way, maybe you’re looking to ride your bike more often, but your bike has been stored away all season.

Going from No Biking to Biking All The Time is more than just one action. It’s often a lot of mini-actions, considerations, and motivations over a gradual period of time. For example:

Why are you wanting to bike again? For recreation or competition? To participate with someone else? To take care of your health?
How long is “Biking All The Time”? Is it every day, or every other day? For how long? Will you keep track of how often you go biking? How will the data you collect about bike riding help you?
What kind of bike do you have? A racing bike for long roads, or a bike you got when you were a teenager? Does this bike sufficiently work for the way you envision bike riding in your future?
What is the weather like, or your neighborhood like? How do they affect the places you go or want to go?
Do you have the right clothes, not just for the weather, but for biking? How about a helmet, or eye protection?
If your bike needs fixing, how will you access the resources needed to fix your bike? Will you consult the library, google a how-to, watch a video, ask a friend, or hire a professional to tune it for you?

And so on. Some of these considerations are made without a lot of active, conscious thinking—while others are more slowly digested, or written down on paper, and scheduled on a calendar, for example.

To coach yourself is to know your greatest dreams—like participating in a charity bike tour and raising a set amount of dollars, but also being mindful of all the other factors that can come into play to get there.

Knowing that if you find yourself stopped in your tracks from doing “one easy task” (and why it may be so difficult to follow through with it)—that you consider all the factors listed above, and give yourself space to reflect and grace.

Write down the outcome, not just the intention

Have you heard of SMART goals before? This means to write goals in ways that are Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Relevant, and Time-Based.

Instead of “I want to bike all the time”, we have “By July 2021, I will enjoy bike riding 3 times a week. I could bike around the neighborhood, the park, or on a bike trail using a bike trails app.”

Other examples:

By October 24, 2020, I will have an updated list of all the people to send Holiday cards to, and have enough cards on my desk to begin writing next month. I could print cards, buy them, send e-cards, or make them myself.
By January 1, 2021, I will enjoy a more sustainable household by lowering my thermostat and cuddling with a nice throw blanket at my desk, unplugging appliances I don’t use very often, and browsing the Reuse Centre or my local library for items I’m interested in before buying new.

Keep your goals realistically manageable and positive, with some examples of actions that help to fulfill that goal to cue you into action.

Modifying Challenges to What Matters

Modifying doesn’t necessarily mean ‘giving up’, though to some it may look like it. If we’re not getting the results we want, we can change our expectations as well as our adaptations to see if we can take different approaches to our challenges.

Did it take more than one trip to get your groceries from the car to your house? That’s OK. What matters is that the groceries are in the house.
Did you take the elevator instead of the steps? That’s OK. What matters is that you made it to where you needed to be.
Did you mail a birthday card instead of a phone call? That’s OK. What matters is that you reached out to communicate.
Did you go to the drive-thru to get a cup of coffee? That’s OK. What matters is that you got yourself out of the house early instead of sleeping in and missing an appointment.

In these examples, we reexamine the ‘why’ behind our actions and whether or not the modifications we are doing instead fulfill what we want to get done.

Moreover, once we manage to get a birthday card out, we can work our way to achieving that phone call over time.

Success looks different for everyone and a good coach knows that every person they coach reaches success at different speeds and at different stages.

Treating Ourselves Kindly and Well

When things aren’t going our way or we aren’t seeing the measure of success that we want, a coach is there for support through these moments where we feel stuck or lost, or to give us the push we need.

Sometimes good self-talk is about communicating from a place of gentleness and compassion. Illustration by Tyler Feder @ instagram.com/tylerfeder/

If you find yourself feeling stuck or lost, it’s a good time to take a break, and re-evaluate your progress and your intended goals.

Questions to think about:

How are you feeling right now?
Is this a recent feeling, or have you felt this way more than once?
Is the goal you’re aiming for still valuable to you?
If so—in what ways have we seen success thus far?
If not—what is really calling out in your heart right now?
What is the next best step?
How can you take care of yourself in the meantime?

Involving Support

While the relationship between a coach and the one being coached is a good support on its own, success gets easier when a whole village comes together.

A village of trusted people will help celebrate when things are going well, and provide suggestions when things get tough. They can help hold us accountable and talk us through challenges.

A village doesn’t mean just your immediate family. It can include your neighbors, your friends both offline and online, and even the larger community of professionals who work with or you can reach out to.

What Coaches Are Not

Lastly, while we explored ways in which we can adapt coaching to ourselves and our lives, here’s a quick exploration into what coaching is not:

Coaches don’t give answers right away

To coach is to get to know the questions first. Coaching is about learning rather than teaching; to understand more about yourself rather than dive straight into tools and strategies. A good coach doesn’t dive into answers, tools or strategies until they gain the fuller picture: context, circumstance, and capacity.

As coaches, we know struggle is hard and part of the process. However, to give a strategy known from experience is akin to strapping you in a pair of skis and expecting a record-breaking ski jump at the bottom of the hill, with no warm up or practice.

Sometimes it’s not about knowing the answer right away, but whether or not you able to wield the strategy that leads to it.

Coaches don’t try to eliminate weaknesses on their own

To coach is to foster your own strength, so that even if a barrier is there, it’s manageable. To coach yourself is to take responsibility for yourself, even when it’s a hard thing to face. By doing so, we can let go of the expectations of others and take step after step to reach the goals and lives that we want to live.

Coaches don’t always do what is expected

Not all coaches wear gym clothes and blow a loud whistle. Some coaches come in the form of a well-meaning text message, a calendar reminder, or a pet scratching for food. Some coaches will push, and others will pull; some will suggest and others will demand. Be open to seeing opportunities to learn and teach others what you have learned.

Conclusion

In conclusion, coaching yourself includes:

Defining your challenges and goals, and doing so with a “Just Right” fit for your needs and capacities
Modifying challenges, understanding that a big success is often the result of a great many steps along the way
Taking moments of stagnation or failure as opportunities to stop, take a break, reassess, and go from there
Involving support beyond yourself or a coach

We hope you found these tips useful, and wish you all the best in your awesome coaching journey!

*Christine has also shared that interested parents and caregivers may reach out to her on Facebook should you have any questions.